Top Ten: Ways to Be Italian – By Zoe Eager

  1. Always drink your coffee sitting down. Distain Starbucks and American taste in coffee. Loudly.
  2. Remember that traffic lights, stop signs and crosswalks are suggestions only. Obey if you feel like it, but never after 11:00 PM. This is a sign of weakness.
  3. Believe that air conditioning is detrimental to one’s health (unlike, somehow, smoking). It should be avoided at all costs, and foreigners who do not know any better should be educated. Loudly.
  4. Un-gelled hair is naked hair.
  5. The top three buttons of a button-up shirt are for decoration only; no one cool actually buttons them.
  6. Obsessively clean things. Clean things that are already clean. If you’re bored, clean something; if you’re busy and need to procrastinate, clean something.
  7. Eye contact is a non-verbal come on, that, even when accidental, is irrevocable.
  8. The best way to get a date is to stop women in the street with declarations of their beauty. When combined with rule #4 and #5, this method has a zero-fail rate.
  9. Saying “ciao” fewer than four times when saying goodbye to someone does not constitute a proper goodbye.
  10. Never question the discrepancy between meal sizes in Italy: a cappuccino is a complete breakfast in and of itself, whereas a single-course dinner is not a dinner at all.

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